Tête-à-tête

There are these things I want to say 

To you 

My little heart's desires. 

Everything I thought we could be 

Maybe everything we were.

There are these memories I want to share 

With you

My teeny mind conjures

Every conversation we’ve had 

Maybe in some other lifetime. 

There are these questions I want to ask

Of you

My nimble hands create

Of moments in your life 

That I was never a part of. 

There are these stories I want to narrate 

To you

My silly head remembers 

Alas I can’t and won’t instead

I'll watch the mumblings wane.  

Dream

It's a dream I know 

A dream I'm living. 

The air so cold & 

The skies so clear. 

It has to be a dream. 

Lost in paradise 

Are we together? 

Lost apart

Forgetting what's real?

Denial is child's play &

Delusions are effortless. 

It's a fantasy I know

An illusion I'm living.

The heart is quiet &

The head sublime.

It has to be a dream. 

Dreamland

You know how in a dream

There isn't a beginning 

There isn't an end

Just this middle 

Ever lasting story that just is.

A tale that has been and forever will be? 

That's how it is with you. 

A dream of sorts. 

Tearing apart

My heart is breaking 

Can you hear it tearing at the seams? 

I can't make it stop.

Plug in one hole and 

it rips through another

Stitch up one end and

it slits out at the other.

My heart is shattering

Can you see all the smithereens? 

I don't know how to stop. 

Have it all

Why can't we have it all? 

The love, the family,

The friends, the career. 

W/o a compromise.

Why is it so troubling? 

If it's not the time, it's the place. 

If not the place, the person.

If not the person, it's you. 

Why can't we have it all? 

Be the master of the world.

The queen of the cosmos.

The Empress of equilibrium.  

Implicit

How strange 

Is this world 

Filled and forced 

With relationships

How peculiar 

Are these men

Made and broken

By association.

How tragic 

Is this life 

Dumb and Delphic 

With all that's unsaid. 

 

Au Revoir

I said my goodbye a long time ago 

Maybe

it's time you said it too 

So I can 

Finally let you go.  

Conversation

Have you ever had this elaborate conversation with someone, 

Absolutely perfect

On the brink of poetic 

With the congruous come backs and the revalent retorts

But it was all in your head? 

But when you talk in reality,

you realise you were in love with a version of them. 

A version of the perfect person you wish you had. 

A form that maybe you made up in your mind.

Almost leaves you a little heartbroken.

Maybe I should go back to keeping quiet

Not asking 

Not wanting 

Let these conversations stay imaginary

Keeps everyone happy that way, doesn't it? 

Love Song 2910

For one day I will finally be able to

put down in words 

All that I feel about you. 

How the butterflies still flutter 

At the first note of your hello.

How the heart still skips 

When I look at those droopy eyes

How my palms are sweaty 

My cheeks are warm 

And how I can't wait to see you again. 

For one day I will finally be able to 

Sing you a song 

A serenade of my love 

How I float and jump on little 

puffs of soft clouds 

How just the look in your eyes 

Makes me melt into a ball of goo

How all you have to do 

Is say I love you 

And yours I will be 

for every lifetime to come. 

For one day I will finally be with you

To tell you in person

How distance is just a number

And time is only relative

How we belong together

Forever in all the Christmases

Past, present and future.    

Diwali 2017

This year has been a strange contradiction of a whirlpool beginning, big life decisions and a relative sense of comfort in stepping out of my comfort zones. 

This year was going to be different. I had had it all planned out but life as always loves to surprise and surprise she has. 

In addition to getting another splendid year with and helping my parents live healthier lives, I worked on bettering myself - strengthening my mind, working on fixing my body (slacked a bit lately but will turn that around soon enough) and destroying my inherited asocial nature. 

2017 is the year I will remember as the one where I realised that I can always make new friends. You know the little fable you hear, when you enter college -  "The friends you make in college will be your best friends for life" - Terribly untrue. You can make and meet your kindered spirit at any given age, at any given time and you can also lose them at any given moment. 

It has always been difficult and strange for me to stand in front of someone new and be me. Be me and not think about what it is they are judging about me.

I'm not perfect and my work on me is never going to be complete but the past 7-8 months has taught me things I shunned about myself years ago - perhaps to please the masses. 

I'm not perfect and I don't think I should be but to be able to even peep my toe out of the well wrapped cocoon I am in, is an achievement I would really like to give myself a pat on my back for.

So here is to friendships old and new, to all the ones who stayed and the ones I lost. I wish you all a very happy Diwali and hope that your lives are filled with colours, lights and a suitcase full of well wishers!  

Boxed In

Everytime I feel boxed in, my mind wanders to our trip to Nepal. I am not a religious or spiritual person so to find peace at a temple, stupa or monastery is an unusual feat for me. 

Maybe it was the mountain air, the cool climate or the soft rustling of the prayer flags - Buddhist monasteries always bring my ping-pong machine of a mind back to level zero.

It was my first trip with the Nikon camera - maybe another factor as to why I revert back. Exploring new terrians physically and photographically kept me light & upbeat  (despite having to be the mother to the mother 😉 )

I keep moving in & out of this mental maze. I wish I had the courage to climb onto one of the hedges and be done with it. But the few times I've tried, I find myself in a differently shaped puzzle all together - without an answer key or cheat sheet!

So I go back in my mind palace to the place that brought me some inner peace - on the ledge of a wall overlooking the little city of Kathmandu, breathing in the crisp high altitude air.  

Hideout

I dream of my high school

A place I haven't been for years. 

The small three floored building 

Covered in chipping blue & white paint.

Can a place  bring out a sense of peace? 

Nostalgia that brings you to your knees.

I dream of my jungle gym

A place I haven't climbed for years.

The then - humungous  instalment

Coloured up in bright yellow & red paint.

Do you remember the last time 

You hung upside down without worry

about the bloomers under your pinafore? 

The last time boys were just people 

People who didn't look at you different 

who knew you could beat them at that race.

I dream of my hideout

A place I haven't snuck up to in years.

The roof top was always under construction

Covered in wastes of white and brown. 

A born loner I always had a knack

Of finding a seclusio 

Away from the responsibilities of a 13 year old. 

I miss my alfresco safe house 

Now I have nowhere to run.

  

The Ghostly Night

It's the nights that are hard. 
Cold and dreary. 
The lights go down and
 the imps come out
Whispering terrible tales into my head. 

It's the nights that are lonely.
Misty and damp.
The sun sets on me and 
The devil turns up
Suggesting venomous yarns into my ears.

Someone turn the switches back on.
I can't have him find me again. 
Won't let him dictate my affects 
I'm not one of his little puppets
I am grounded. I am sane. 
I am drowning. I am pain.

It's the nights that are bitter.
Hurt and fragmented.
The dark settles around me.
Look there he comes
Brewing me a hot cup of madness and rage.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for whatever is hurting you.
I'm sorry I can't fix it. 
I'm sorry no one can see the agony 
I'm sorry no one is listening.

I'm sorry for whatever broke you.
I'm sorry I can't mend it.
I'm sorry no one can see all the pain.
I'm sorry we are all alone.

Flat line

How do you know it is time to stop?

Is there a end of school bell?

A siren maybe?

Perhaps one last shock,

One more mouth to mouth.

I could bring it back to life.

How do you know it's stopped breathing?

When has it flat lined?

When is it time to let go? 

Broken Hearts

We are all broken hearts & bleeding scars. 

Bruised over the years 

We are all lonely sighs & screaming souls.

Wounded over lifetimes.

You can't save me.

Only I can.  

Salesgirl

I was sitting at the mall with a cappuccino in my hand. Sipping it slowly to sooth my sore throat, when I noticed this girl - just about my age - sitting across me. Looking blank, staring into nothingness. She was alone; but that wasn’t what caught my eye. It was how sad she looked. As if someone had broken her heart or she had lost a friend. I am very sure I wasn’t over reading. Her eyebrows were drawn up, her shoulders bent forward, her lips just so ever lightly drooping. 

I sat there with that privileged coffee of mine and wondered what she was thinking about. How her life must be so different from mine. Is it better that she doesn’t have to live my limbo? Is she living her own limbo? Isn’t life really about all the little limbos we are stuck in? 

I then noticed the man next to her on the bench; surrounded by shopping bags; he looked tired, worried. I noticed he was noticing me - odd, but I guess thats natural. A woman came by and added a few more items to their purchases while he waited. 

I shifted in my seat to make space for a g.dad. He was thrilled to have found a place to sit. He seemed filled with energy and did seem like someone who would roam the whole mall twice at twice the speed  - only if his ageing body would let him. His g.daughter - I presumed - came by and exclaimed in Telugu about a store behind us and rushed off to check it out while gesturing in agreement that she did in fact have her cellphone. 

During this time, the man across me had left and the girl - the salesgirl was on a call, smiling, blushing a little even - eyes fluttering btw level and the floor, her fingers running to tuck her hair back. It was a pretty scene - a girl in love, an emotion of extremes.