The Final Lap

It has been hard. These five years have been hard and no, contrary to every non medical person's belief, no it isn't the studying. Everyone's got to study, it's a part of it. What has been hard is living alone, hard was adapting to a place I supposedly belonged to but spent almost two years being taunted and teased about not knowing my mother tongue. 

Hard has been finding friends who understand you, which by the way is still a search in progress. Hard has been the relationships that you had to sacrifice, compromise and fight for. Hard has been rejection. Hard has been the college politics, the cheap mentalities, the favouritism and downright buttering.

Hard has been keeping quiet when people whose homes are 10,15,50 km away moan and cry that miss their family when you haven't seen yours for over six months. Hard has been the heat and humidity, hard is the lizards, rats and insects.

It's hard holding on to your sanity when you know, even though you know your family and trusted friends are there for you, most people don't get you. It's horrible when your views are frowned upon. 

I've fortunately had a wonderful roommate. Dear and caring. Taught a lot to get by here. If I were to be compliment for the speed and fluency of odiya, all credits are out to her ( and few others ). She has been tolerant and adjusting. Understanding and loyal. But she is lost too. Lost in her search for true love. Lost when it comes to her studies. She has dreams and confidence but either incapable or unwilling to take the steps to it... I don't really know. She has a lovely family of five - her parents, an older brother, a younger sister and she. She comes from a tiny village called Mayurbhanj and is quite modern in her ways. I remember how terrified I was the first day we met in our room! How would I ever have a proper conversation with her! That was my only concern. She had very gracefully given me the side of the room with the window. Even gifted me a caudbury crackle as a welcoming gift. This may be the last few months we have together I realised. I know it won't be very difficult for me to forget. I've always been this insensitive. Sounds horrid and cold, I know. I suppose that's how I deal with goodbyes. But my roommate, even if I never see her again, is someone I'll always remember to every detail. Her little Mongolian eyes, her impeccable tidiness, her fights with her boyfriend, her mixed up sleep cycles, her loathing towards jeera and mustard! I hope she finds what makes her happy...

Now 5 years later, after 3 major examinations - all given in the peak of Odisha humidity, I sit by the window my roommate gave me and feel drained. How much more of this? I was on the verge of a breakdown. I've had many of those. Sure there are medical remedies for it, but ironically I don't like medicines. Two months of examinations. 7 papers that are unpredictably designed, 4 practicals that were more of a test of endurance than of knowledge! People like to think we will be doctors once we clear this examination, but will we really? We can make tentative diagnosis, but the right treatment? I am eager to finish this phase as quickly as possible, but a cake baked in haste is just a hot pudding from an oven. One needs patience and time. The oven must be at the right temperature, no point putting it up, the batter will just get burnt! Meditation, motivation and belief that even if you are the last one in line it will work out well for you. Believe in life and that everything has a reason, even if you wish not to trust the education system, believe that you will have a life that you deserve. 

Was talking to a old friend of mine, who said something that I remind myself every time I feel down now, " it's your last exam, finish strong." Finish strong he said. Isn't that perfectly right? There is no point in walking all the way to 10km below the peak of a mountain and saying,"oh I am exhausted! Lets get off" 

I suppose this point of my life is the last lap of my marathon. One I have been running since class 11. Getting through this will make the whole race worth it.

Wish me luck  :) 

Longing.

She had brown eyes. The normal kind. But big, brown and kind. She had trouble speaking the local language but the locals loved her. All she had to do was smile and her eyes would speak and sparkle. She lived far outside the little village in a farmhouse. The land she lived on was lush. Green. Fresh. Breathtaking. She liked to think of herself as Heidi in the Alps. Free space, clean air, lovely vegetables, beautiful flowers. 

The farmhouse was big but most rooms were closed and covered with white sheets. Built and reinforced over the years, it stood strong and tall. Brown and mossy, it had 3 storeys with 8 bedrooms, 2 large living rooms, one large dinning hall and a beautiful kitchen. It was centred around a courtyard, a place where she spent most of her time. 

An old swing sat at the south wing with curly creepers growing over its railings and crawling all the way up to the floor above. She loved the swing. She had piled it with a cushions and fixed the pulley system that held it together. If you wanted to see her-especially on a rainy evening-that should be the first place you go to. With a bowl full of fried food and a classic novel that would normally take weeks to finish, she would be curled up on those soft cushions. 

Her favourite room was obviously the library or study that was located on the second floor in the east wing. That's where she spent her winter mornings. Soft sun rays caressing the large chair by the gigantic French window that opened into a wide balcony. A pot of steaming tea and a plate of the sweetest chocolate cake that she had baked herself would be seated on the coffee table beside her. The balcony had a cliched but ever so appealing rose garden.

The large dinning and living rooms were possibly built to host gatherings and socials. But they hadn't seen any such program for decades. Grand furniture, magnificent chandeliers, numerous cabinets with numerous beautiful crockery all covered and collecting dust. 

She loved the kitchen and had renovated it the minute she had got there. Modernised equipment, stoves, ovens, microwaves, tons of utensils. She had a number of locals who helped her run the whole place, the kitchen, the cleaning of the mansion, the farm and the animals. She wasn't very fond of the animals though, but didn't mind living with them. 

She made a trip down to the village every evening. Weekends were meant for the farmers market but the rest of the week she came down simply for a stroll or to buy some of those tit bits to give her books company or simply to say a hearty 'Hi!' and deliver a big smile that melted anyone right away! But the locals knew... She, just as the farmhouse, lacked something. Longed for something. Missed something. Craved to be completed. They were like an incomplete story, needing a perfect happy ending. Had she had her heart broken? Who would do such a thing? Where was her family? She is so young. They could all see she was drowning out a lot behind those seemingly bright eyes. No one had ever asked her where she had come from, what she was doing here. Was she running away and hiding from her reality? 

She brought a pocket full of sunshine to that little village on the hill. Through the drifting clouds she was danced in the drizzle with the children splashing in the little puddles formed. She helped the old lady in the orange hut to do her daily purchases and took her to the near by pond to look at the exotic birds that would swoosh by at a particular time of the year. She'd come and condemn the drivers who spent their afternoons gambling their morning's earnings instead of working. She worked at the fruit sellers stall on few days, other days at the weavers, mainly learning the art than making something substantial. Some warm summer evenings she would gather all the kids around and tell them stories of ghosts, ghouls and witches that ate little children! The kids loved her and would scream at the end of each story despite knowing the climax of many of them. Then their tired mothers would beckon them and they would each give her a peck on her cheek and a hug and scramble off to their tiny cottages in the little village, promising to find her again the next day.

She filled her emptiness with the village and its people. She loved nothing else as much. The birds, the rain, the cotton-y clouds drifting ever so slowly as if time didn't matter to them. She felt at peace at all. Smiling, she hopped happily with a basket full of goodies back to the farmhouse, far outside the village, thinking of what story she would tell the little ones the next day. 

One unsuspecting cold autumn morning as the villagers stepped out for their daily chores, the old woman in the orange hut began weeping, the kids raced to the farmhouse outside the little village, the animals moaned. There was a shift in the wind, the fisherman knew it. The horses knew it. The old woman and the ever smiling children of the village knew it. From the distance they could see that everything had changed. They found the farmhouse padlocked, the farm cleared, the animal houses empty. The flowers were all sleeping unaware of the change and the tall trees stood naked with their leaves all whittled lying on the damp ground.

The girl with the bright brown eyes had left as suddenly as she had appeared.

Forever and Always

She felt... Detached.. Yeah that was the word. Numb. The only thing reminding her she was alive was the chilly breeze soothingly floating through her window. She put the mug filled with steaming body-warming coffee beside her on the window sill and pulled her shawl tightly around her. As she watched her cafe latte's vapour slither upwards travelling away from her into the little apartment she lived in, she wished she could capture it in a photograph. Even if i did, the warmth that this scene gives me right now would never have been caught on a paper. Hmm... Maybe that's why they began making movies. She smiled, thinking of all the movies she had admired over the years. She had met very few people who shared the same interest in movies as she did and always felt out of place when she uncontrollably began discussing the pros and cons of the director, actors and storyline in front of people who only went for the movie for the feel-good nature and song and dance. 

Taking a long sniff of the caffeine filled vapours she reminded herself this wasn't what was bothering her. It had been over a year since they had seen each other. She sighed remembering their last day. It was perfect! 

Pop! She reflexly looked for her phone.She found it on the side table she had left it on after ordering her pizza. She had a message wishing her a Happy Birthday from a friend she hadn't seen for years. She smiled as she thanked her and felt old all of a sudden. Had so many years really passed? Oh how I miss college... How I miss him... Her smile faded as she looked out of her window onto the river down below, shimmering in the soft moonlight. The river moved just as time did. Slow in places, rough in others. But never stopping, never pausing. Constantly moving. She knew she had to make the choice she had made. It was her destiny.

 She reached out to her blue cup. She loved that colour. She wrapped her hands around its curves and thought of the delicious red dress she had chosen to wear instead that day. It was cold and she had worn her deep dark coat covering every inch of the beautiful dress. She had wanted to surprise him. He had only seen her in her casuals and comforts. She knew he never liked her with make up and made it a point to tell her girlfriends to doll her up just a little bit. Her hair tied up in her ever-favourite French bun, carefully set in with a large number of bobby pins. Her feet in the sweetest pair of black peep-toes, that had taken her months to break into. 

 A bracelet hung loosely on her right wrist and she held on to the strap of her sling purse while she waited for him outside her apartment porch. Fiddling nervously with the charms on her bangle, she thought of the years they had spent together, teasing, laughing and growing up into mature adults they were today. He had come a long way to see her. Her heartbeat quickened as she heard the rumble of a car engine growing louder around the corner. Lights flashed as the car skid onto the cobblestoned lane she lived on. A small blue Beetle. He parked right in front of her and stepped out of the car like a hero of a movie. Would saying 'like James Bond' be taking it too far? She smirked as she tried hard to memorise what he looked like that night. He had told her to dress up fancy but she had never expected him to do the same. Clad in a full suit, he had a black coat and matching tie on. A baby rose tucked in his left breast pocket and the pointed black shoes that he adored and hurt his feet equally. Aww he dolled up too! She gave him a big grin as she carefully stepped down from the porch. Keeping her hands tightly over her purse, she walked over to him as if it were their first date. Blushing she said "Bonjour"and he smiled looking at her like she was the prettiest thing alive. He gestured with his hands directing her to the passenger seat door, opened it and welcomed her into his warm rental car. Quickly he ran to the other side and climbed in. He had never been happier. 

In silent happiness, talking little, blushing more, both excited they drove over to the  Café de l'Homme. They had chosen it together. It has such a beautiful view of the Eiffel Tower! As the waiter escorted them to their reserved seat, she reached out and slipped her fingers into his hand warming them up. He reciprocated by pinching her fingertips, she giggled as they settled into their chairs. Before sitting down, she twirled around to show off her dress. Her face almost as bright as the frock by now. They had lot of catching up to do. Over a very foreign, very delicious and very exotic dinner they spoke about their lives , how much it had changed, how the weather was a drag, how the work was exhilarating... Sooner than expected it was time for dessert. "Crème Brûlée for mademoiselle and a  Raspberry Charlotte for  monsieur, oui?" The waiter confirmed their order. She let out a satiated sigh while he quietly let out a burp. She giggled. She knew if he were back home he'd burp real loud and boast about it without an apology! He sheepishly smiled at her, conscious of all the hoitey-toitey people around them. She reassured him with a pat on his hand that no one had heard him and it didn't really matter. After a quick argument about the bill -finally going Dutch- they drove back to her apartment and walked by the river. Hand in hand they walked over to a near by bridge and sat on the ledge. The moon was full and she and the street lights sparkled in the water in unison. Far in the distance firecracker burst into flame in the clear sky. It was magical. You couldn't really ask for more. Arm around her shoulder, he knew it was time. She felt him stiffen and braced herself to say goodbye. I suppose the best part was we didn't have the cliche-d goodbye conversation. She smirked as she snuggled in her shawl and mufflers in her apartment looking over the bridge. She had watched his droopy eyes change from twinkling to an emotion as dark as his perfect suit. Oh how she wish she could tell him it hurt her as much and maybe more. He gave her a goodbye hug and kiss on her now open hair and told her he'd see her again sometime. Thanked her for the beautiful night and driven away. They had not spoken since. She had come to know through friends that he had been quite successful in his field the last year and she is proud. She missed him dearly but their paths were diverging, moving across a delta away and not towards each other. We are mature adults. It was a mature decision. Not childish and love struck. It was the right thing to do. She consoled herself as the doorbell rang. The pizza guy's here. She rushed across her miniature apartment to get her wallet screaming,"un moment!" as she passed the front door. With exact change, she straightened her shawl and opened the door. 

Her heart skipped a beat. Ok maybe even a couple more. He stood outside her door, drenched in the evenings' rain, desperately trying to fix his hair. He smiled his killer smile and said,"Told you I'd see you again" 

Young, Restless, Carefree.

"Age, Madam?" Asked the man across the strange glass counter. It had a centrally placed punched out circular window and the horridly small slit at the bottom to transfer documents. She hated these counters.
"Madam?" He repeated. "Oh! 22!" She exclaimed quickly to make up for the time that had been wasted by her day dreaming. Or was it 20? Wait... It's '13... So I turn 23 this year. Yeah yeah I am 22.  

As she walked away from the counter she wondered whether it mattered. Whether how old she was made a difference. A young adult. That's what she was. When I cross the 30 or 45 mark it would a difference to the health system, why should I be bothered now? 

She was young, energetic and filled with dreams. She loved the freedom. The freedom to roam, freedom to an opinion. Isn't it lovely that I can simply, without thought or rationalisation, climb into a bus or car and go shopping? Not answerable to anyone! I can stay up as late as I wish to too! Eat as much and as little I want to! 

Why did we have to go through years of college to do a job, years of struggling to do monotonous repetitive work? Years of our youth learning things, mugging them up... Shouldn't we be living? 'Live in the present' they say. How? Where? Amongst books? In the constraints of a hostel with 'adults', who think they know what they are doing, supervising us? 

She suddenly felt trapped. She took a deep breathe, released all those knots in her chest and made her way through the sunny afternoon back to her room. It had been her 'home' for the last 5 years. The room was filled with different things,tit-bits from her travels in and around the city, clothes, memories and books she had collected over the years. She had come to this room a child, a naive 18 year old. She had got stuck in a lot of unnecessary controversies over the years because she didn't know what to say and when to say it! Though older and wiser, she knew she still hadn't changed much. There were social customs to be maintained, opinions to be withheld, compromises to be made. All this for the people around that you loved and cared for more than yourself. She didn't like doing so for everyone. It made her skin cringe at times and suffocated but it was the price she had learnt to pay and silently endure ( or at least silently for the one she was compromising for). Was this what adulthood meant? Compromise? Being unhappy for the happiness of others? She thought as she tugged on her full sleeved lab coat to protect her skin from the harsh UV-B and redirected her deep blue umbrella against the blazing sun.

She loved, dreamed and wanted to travel. A backpack, a durable pair of shoes, her dear camera and a map and guide is all she wanted. Take a billion angles of the Eiffel Tower, dip her feet into the English Channel, walk through a cherry blossom garden, make snow angels, climb through the Grand Canyon, sun bathe in the beachs of Hawaii, watch the New Years at Beijing, listen to the endless stories of every unique place!  

You do know you need heaps of money for all this, don't you? She reminded herself as she stepped into her hostel lobby, breathing out a gush of relief as she escaped the glaring and angry sunlight. She pressed her finger onto the biometric device that kept a unusually close check on her whereabouts and thought how unfair it was that a lot of her friends had a lives that were easy,simple and fun! Without such restrictions and rules. She had friends who were working in the metros of the country, friends who were abroad completing their masters! They seem to be having the life that we all dream of when we were at school. My time will come too. She reassured herself climbing the stairs remorsefully. What if its too late? What if I can't even walk a 100m without panting by the time I save enough for my world tour? What if I end up spending the rest of my life compromising for the people I love? What if I never do save up enough to go in the first place! She felt tears filling in her eyes, her anxiety had got to her again.

 

Breathe iiin breathe out. 

She realised she was getting anxious about things that hadn't even begun to happen! She was romantasizing and simultaneously crashing her own castles she had built in the clouds! She laughed at her silly self.

While she collected her clothes she had left to dry just few hours back, she smiled and sang to herself a song she loved oh so much - 

"When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother

What will I be

Will I be pretty

Will I be rich

Here's what she said to me

Que sera, sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera, sera

What will be, will be"

Shades

It was all morbid grey. She did love the grey of her pullover but this place? Not so much. She couldn't smile or laugh. A straight face or an empathetic one is all she was allowed to put on. She felt a shiver run down her back. She looked over her shoulder onto the empty corridor to see no-one.

The grey melted away to a bright but pale yellow of a recently harvested paddy field. Oh what joy it is to be able to run here and there! Just be cautious about the little hidden ponds and the rest of the field was open and empty as a newly opened journal and as golden and beautiful as Aladdin's hidden treasure.

She bounced on to a colour that resembled peach or maybe pink! It was so warm and loved that she couldn't help but cuddle up and take a nap.. Nothing could be as pure as unconditional love and affection, she thought as she sunk into what felt like strawberry flavoured cotton candy, taking a few irresistible bites from the sides. 

Suddenly someone turned off the lights.. It was pitch black, as the black hole might be or the big ants that she had first seen in a house she was shifting into. But the darkness didn't give her the curiosity of the new home. Instead it grabbed on to her legs and pulled, drowning her in emotions that she knew weren't healthy. Suffocating her within a ball of nothingness that no one could rescue her from. She cried her eyes out for she felt that was all she could do.

And then one day... Gasp! She felt air gush in! She was wet and floating on the surface of a pool. The pool looked blue reflecting the sky, the tiled floor or her emotions she never knew, but she was finally peaceful. Finally she could breathe. Finally she was free again to move wherever she pleased. There was a smile on her face. A soft one. One that only her closest friends could pick up. But a heart felt genunine smile it was.